Just Thoughts.

20. CSUEB. Taken by @Missssandra.

Heated af

They say that it’s when you’re at your lowest, that God is always there. Lately I kinda just been feeling alone in things. I’m out all the time, always getting yelled at. I hurt you and now I’m suffering the consequences and it’s all my fault we’re at this. It hurts like hell.. I know I hurt you but it was never anything intentional to make you jealous or worry. I’d never want that. To be honest, I miss the way things used to be between us. I miss seeing each other every single day, being excited to spend time and learn more about each other. I miss parking my car after being with you all day and texting you how much of a great time I had with you and getting long, sweet texts from you. We were so happy and that’s the happiest I’ve been with anyone. It’s hard right now. I feel like I’m all alone in this and it’s like a roller coaster.. fucking sucks, but I can’t let you go. I love you too much to let you walk out of of my life. You’re the best I’ve ever had and I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want you to be with another guy either. I’d fucking lose my mind if I were to see that… I just just can’t lose you.. what if I have to move on and the girl ain’t like you? Don’t love me like you do or make me feel the way you do.. I just want you.. I need you as my girlfriend, my soulmate, my best friend, my wife… if you only knew how much I love you..

Lie to me and then you wanna leave me? So much for everything that happened yesterday. Just feels like none of the stuff we talk about or do means anything to you. It’s like you just see me to see me and kick it just to kick it. Idk what it is. Sucks feeling alone. Got nobody to talk to about anything. Today is one of the worst days ever.

I feel so fucking stupid and I’m sure that’s how I look now. I knew something was up the whole day..

I wonder if you’ll actually miss me next week when I move… I feel so alone

Man I’m tired of crying… Hate feeling like this. I know I fucked up and make it hard for you to believe me, but please at least notice my fucking effort. Not once since I’ve known you have I checked out another girl. I don’t talk to any girls, plan on or anything. And I don’t bring shit up to make you jealous, I swear to god. I’ll do a damn lie detector test if I had to, I put it on your dead grandpa. I’m just going crazy inside.. One moment were fine and then the next you don’t want me. It hurts so much and I know it’s my fault you’re like this, but I’m trying, I really am. I’m fucking dying inside.. I wanna quit so bad because it hurts and I don’t wanna be all depressed again, but I’m hella in love with you still and I know that you’re the one I want.. I know for a fact I’m fixing my stuff already, but I understand you.. I’ll just keep trying, no matter how much it hurts when you’re being bipolar to me and giving mixed signals. I guess this is the price I gotta pay if I want it bad enough caused I fucked it up. I just wish I had someone to talk about it all, but no one will ever understand me..

If I had to put today in a nutshell, it would be bad day turned good. From the start I was crying, begging you like crazy to just with me. The thought of never having you to myself again hurt like hell and I never want that to become a reality. I feel pretty exhausted from all the crying and everything I did. Honestly, I’m just hella happy that I got to see you today. It made me feel so much better. Just being with you, being together at church, holding your hand, kissing you, laughing and enjoying each others company really eased my mind. It felt so good to just be spend time with you. It was fun watching Cast Away too. The whole day I would just look at you and know that you’re the one that I want forever. Idk what it is, it’s hard to explain because there’s so many things I can say to express my feelings for you. Basically, I’m just so in love with you. I love talking about our future today like how we were talking about me proposing to you and living together. After all that’s happened lately, today was really a refresher for me. I don’t pray as much as I used to before and today I kept you and our relationship in my prayers when we were at church. I don’t know what it is with you Sandra, but I fell so in love with you so fast and I don’t regret a thing. I’m happy it’s you that God planned for me to meet. I don’t ever want thing so be the way they were yesterday. I never ever in my lifetime wanna experience almost losing you for good.. it hurt so fucking bad. I’m not gonna keep pushing you away and hurting you. I’m gonna hold you closer, cherish each day I have with you even more and take care of your heart. I’m gonna be the best boyfriend you’ve ever had. You motivate me to wanna be better because you’re so special and mean the world to me. There’s things I need to fix and I know I’m getting it straight cause I refuse to lose you. I honestly can’t wait for that day I marry you. You’re gonna be so beautiful in a wedding dress and will make a perfect mom. I have so many plans for our future and I plan on fulfilling all of them.. Thank you for everything and taking a chance on me. You really are the best girlfriend in the whole wide world. No one else compares to you. I love you so much Sandra San Juan ♡

Not sure what to do anymore… I know I wanna make this thing work, but honestly, I feel like you’re gonna do something 10x worse to hurt me and get even.. I’ll be prepared I guess.. in the meantime, I’ll just keep trying to make things better no matter how hard it is

Calling and calling, but still no answer.. I just need to see you.. no matter what, I just can’t lose you..

4:07AM and I can’t sleep.. the thought of not having you as my girlfriend is driving me insane.. I don’t want to leave you alone.. I don’t want to let go.. I just cant.. And I’m not going to either.. I refuse to let you walk out of my life because I know that you’re that special someone God has out in this world for me. Lately and too often I haven’t been treating you like that and you deserve so much better, from the bottom of my heart I’m sorry.. please don’t ever think that I like hurt hurting you or making you worry. You haven’t done anything wrong and it’s all on me. Since that first week I met you, I’ve fallen so deeply in love with you like I never have before. You’re close with my family, I’m the first guy you brought home, and everything is just perfect. It’s perfect until I mess it up, but I know that this is something that can be changed and is only temporary. On my dad, you’re gonna be the girl I end up with and marry. It just has to be you. I promise to God that it’ll be worth it if you stay with me. I know I’ve been fucking up lately, but I promise we’ll be so happy together. I promise to be the best boyfriend I can be. I can’t let you be with someone else… I just want you to myself.. I ell do anything in this world for you..